Hanging with Hudson

My little boy, Hudson….He turned four this year and he has had a lot of very difficult transitions.  Although, he is completely done with all his therapy now and is growing physically and mentally amazingly.  Emotionally, life has been hard for him.  We moved to a new house, started him in some new classes and still working on his relationship with his baby brother, Chase.  Hudson is a lot like Mommy in that he is not a fan of change.  A lot of changes have happened in our family this past year and he has been struggling to adjust. He continues to ask when we are moving back to our old home and not because this home is any less than the last, we have taken a leap of improvement and blessing in moving in this new house.  But for him, its different and new and unfamiliar.  We recently put Dakota into her own room and moved Chase into Hudson’s room and Chase has kept him up a bit the last week as he talks, but he is getting better.  For the next couple weeks after we moved him, he would cry that “I am done moving”.  We did not understand why he was saying that at first, but as he explained to me, he did not want to be in with Chase.  He has lived in a room with his quiet sister for the past couple years and this too was new for him.  Hudson is the one child who brings me to my knees because I have felt like no matter what I do in disciplining him for his bad attitude or upsetting/hitting his brother, nothing will change him if he does not come to know the Lord.  I pray often for his salvation.  He feels no remorse or repentance when he upsets anyone.   He is also my barometer of my own anger/frustration.  I always can tell when he is going out of control, I have to get myself more self controlled in how I am speaking to him or how I am disciplining him.  He merely responds to me and how I deal with him.  I have learned a lot about my anger through his anger.  I praise God for him because he reminds me of how sinful I am against a Holy God.  When day by day goes by and he is not getting any more obedient no matter how consistent or how many privileges I take away.  I have to remind myself of my own habitual sin.  He had a very hard time with leaving me this year.  A very heavy case of separation anxiety, but so bad that his anger would rise up and he would become violent, screaming at me, telling me he hated me, crying, kicking, wailing when I would drop him off at church or Monday study.  That, praise God has just started to get better this last couple months.  We tried everything from talking it out, to removing privileges to full on discipline with Daddy.  A very difficult year.  We pulled him out of Cubbies to alleviate some of the battle.  His relationship with his brother Chase grieves my heart.  He truly dislikes him and Zach joked the other day that it reminded him of Cain and Abel.  If he could kill his brother, he would.  I just ache that he will never love his brother.  Chase loves him and tries to be like him and play with him, and I just pray that one of these times it melts his heart to want to love him back.  Another piece of him that I know may not change unless he becomes a believer.  I try so hard to love and tickle him to pull our relationship together so that he knows how much I love him even when he is hard to love.  These past couple weeks, God has just given me a new love for him.  I just want to cuddle him all the time.   He is my utmost favorite to tickle to death.  I love his giggle and how he wiggles so much he can’t catch his breath.  I love to just hold him and have him near.  I pray that I can win his heart over with love.  He is so hardened.  It does not matter, what I ask him to do, he is not one to have a good attitude or heart.  He is a heavy complainer and hates helping and hates working hard.  I struggle not knowing what to do with him.  I am determined to see his heart change.  I pray that he comes to know the Lord at a very early age.  My heart aches for him, he is so unhappy and discontented and angered child.   Lord please give me wisdom on what he needs.  How do I train him, love him, draw him to you?  This young boy puts me on my knees.  I guess God knew exactly what kind of boy to put in my life, one that would make me depend on the Lord more.  I love him so much.  I long to understand him better, to be a better mommy to him, to not let him be the overlooked middle child.  He has such a cuteness about him.  The other day he asked me when I burned something cooking…..”Mommy, you need to turn on the sucker-upper.” a.k.a oven vent.  He cracks me up…. again that is just God’s grace.  I think I am going to start him in kindergarten this next year.  He has a very big desire for me to do school with him each day…  He has potty trained this year, yippppeeeee!   Hudson is God’s gift to our family.  This gift does not look like your typical cheerful gift, a gift of remembering Grace.  God’s grace to me each day, I am reminded when I have to forgive him for the millionth time that day and am sure to have a few hundred moments more, just as God has and will forgive me.  Speaking of grace, this past summer, when we were in Santa Barbara, Zach told him if he did not eat lunch, no dessert.  We were planning on getting dipping dots at the zoo and of course he did not finish his dinner.  Zach bought everyone dessert and even Hudson and told him that he was giving him grace.  He did not deserve the ice cream, but still got it.  Now smart little cookie always asks… “Daddy can I just have grace”?  Eating habits are no fun to fight in kids.  Hudson is a VERY, EXTREMELY picky eater and a ton of food allergies with egg and peanut and will only eat nutella sanwiches, pizza and macncheese.  So usually the poor child does not eat, he refuses to eat, but does not ask for any food, goes to bed hungry most nights.  We pick our battles, as long as he does not wake up hungry, I am okay with him not eating.  I only pray his eating habits get better.  We don’t eat his choice foods much, so this leaves a meltdown every time he asks what is for dinner.  Lord, you put this child into our family, tailor made him perfect for our family dynamic, let me praise you for him daily!!

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